Filthy Review - Piranha 3DD

PIRANHA 3DD (2012)

Review by Chris MacGibbon

Whenever watching a film involving "something in the water", the solution to the characters' plight always seems rather simple; get the heck out of the water. I mean if you're running, ahem, swimming away from something that is limited to the confines of H20, the answer should be clear. I can only assume those who decide to stay in the water are adhering to nature's selection.

Even seeing the first PIRANHA (the 1978 version) back when I was a youngster, I understood the fundamental concept that if you didn't go in the water - you were safe. When someone yelled, "Shark!" or "Piranha!" - the last thing I would do is laugh it off or question their capabilities as a sane person; why risk it? Sure it could just be some loon who fell off a tuna boat who has some bone to pick with the aquatic life but when someone's yelling and screaming about man-eating fish; I can continue my game of volleyball on land thank you very much.

Of course if any of this were to occur and characters simply got out of the water, we wouldn't have a film to discuss nor would be able to understand the abilities of large groups of very stupid people. Heck even if someone does believe there's "something" in the water, people either don't move and continue their activities, or react as if someone just told them a bomb was strapped to their ankles and it was going to go off any second; they swirl around like chickens with their heads cut off basically, we've all been there.

Anyways, I'm getting too far away from myself, there is a point to all this I assure you so let's move on to PIRANHA 3DD.

The film opens rehashing the tragedy of Lake Victoria a year prior, a very vicious school of ancient piranha were released upon the unsuspecting masses at what used to be the "Spring Break" capital of the world; it's now deserted and quarantined. Assuming of course fish don't know how to swim or migrate, or the fact that no one listened to the quack doctor explaining the fish once lived in underground caverns, everyone thinks there's no more threat of the man-eating piranha; until now. Because the fish are apparently smarter than most of the cast members in these films, they have found a way to move on to yet another lake of unsuspecting victims however there just isn't enough grub to go around so the local water park is just the place to go for their aquatic buffet.

First and foremost I would like to say I did thoroughly enjoy the both the original PIRANHA and the 2010 remake by Alexander Aja. The remake was a fun, gory, tense and even yes sometimes scary film that hit all the right notes that I had expected it to. The original is just campy fun but again, hits the right notes. So where the sequel went wrong; I honestly have no clue. Wait, yes I do; his name is John Gulager folks.

Let me break off for a sec and give you guys a bit of my history with this...ahem...director of sorts. I loved FEAST, loved it, thought it was a fun and gory romp and really couldn't wait to see what Mr. Gulager was going to bring us in the sequels. Then I saw them. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in what was delivered with those two films as the potential for a great franchise was squandered by over the top violence, annoying characters, slapstick antics and a whole list of other snags that just made them fall flat on their gore drenched faces. I still think the first one is one of the best monster flicks the genre has seen in decades and I am perfectly content to watch it as a standalone piece.

Flash forward to now when PIRANHA 3DD slid across my plate.

Now, should I have known what to expect with that kind of a title? I mean this is clearly a film that wasn't going to take itself too seriously right? Sure, I mean as much thought was put into that title as what kind of underwear you planned on putting on this morning; assuming of course you wear underwear, if not, there was even less thought so there you go.

So why is it that while watching this film I felt the need to point out every lack of logic, every dumb character's move, proceeding to spend seventy two minutes questioning the very fabric of intelligence of every character that graced the screen? Well, the answer is simple really; the film went from taking itself seriously to an outright spoof. So picture this, someone takes SCREAM and SCARY MOVIE, edits them together as a full length film and tries to pass it off as a horror/comedy. See the problem where this could go wrong?

Here we have that exact mix. A film that tries to be serious, then tickles your funny bone but goes to the point where you feel like you're watching a full blown comedy version of the previous film. To be blunt; it doesn't work.

The first film was riddled with comedy and tension, managing to have a successful balance of both, this one teams the beam one too many times and drifts into one genre whenever it seizes the opportunity which would be okay I suppose if the comedy bits were actually funny; most aren't. In fact the only time I chuckled at something that was meant to be funny was a scene involving a character from the previous film and that's about it.  

This one really didn't work for me, in case you couldn't tell already, I don't mind a dumb character every now and again but it seemed like every single one that was present in this flick managed to drop out of grade school before they made it past the door and then proceeded to bury themselves away from others to be able to lack the common sense and decision making skills to have survived this ordeal. Even our main character Maddy makes a pretty dumb decision, one that she actually knows about too so there's no excuse for her, and she's supposed to be our heroin.

Gore abound which shouldn't come as a surprise considering the director, even seems washed up, the gags are few and far between and really there's one major death that benefits from a good splash of corn syrup and it's not even by the hands...sorry, fins of the piranha. There's a rather nasty bit involving one of the couples in the film that turns out to be utterly pointless when all is said and done.

Mr. Gulager, you've fooled me again - I went into another one of your films expecting to enjoy myself and instead I spent the entire run time wondering why once again I gave you another shot. Stick to films where studios or producers clearly have an influence on what you're making because I've seen what happens when they take the dog off the leash so to speak and it's not pretty.

Piranha 3DD is available to watch Online and VOD now.